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Tommy's First Birthday/transcript
episode opens up with the theme song and then the title card Backup Singers: Ba-ba! goes on to the cartoon goes black Stu: Good morning, champ. [Tommy opens his eyes and his parents appear with a ribbon that says Happy Birthday on his crib] Stu and Didi: Happy birthday, Tommy! blows a party gazooka at Tommy Didi: You're a whole year old today! Stu: And boy have we got some great presents for you! picks Tommy up and he giggles kisses Tommy makes Tommy giggle then changes Tommy's diaper Stu: Wait 'til you see my present, Didi! Did I tell you about the Hoverama prototype? Didi: You did, Stu. Stu: Picture this, Didi, the body is about thirty-six inches long and about four feet in diameter... (Didi lifts Tommy's lower body up) Stu: Yikes! Didi: Put in the pail, Stu, and hand me a fresh diaper! takes Tommy's dirty diaper and gets a new one clothes are all on Stu: Anyway, the Hov-A-Rama's got three hundred pounds a lift and cruises at more than five miles an hour. Didi: Tommy Kootchie---'' grabs Didi's earring and yanks on it continues talking about the Hoverama while Tommy yanks on Didi's earring and giggles '''Didi': Let go of Mommy's earrings. still talks Didi: Ow! Ow, ow, ooh! walks toward the door with Tommy pulling on her earring Stu: ..and one of those nine volt guys and that's not even including the remote control! Didi: Mommy's earring's not a toy, Honey! continues Stu: ...this is my greatest invention yet, I tell you. Didi, it's gonna put all those other toys on the map. Didi: Okay! to the book shelf and pulls out a book Let's see what the book says. pages Eating, technique, age 12 months. '' gets out a can of strained carrots and pours it in a bowl on Tommy's high chair '''Didi': Stu, we're supposed to distract Tommy with a little play-acting. We pretend this spoon is actually---'' '''Stu': A space shuttle? Didi: Lipschitz knows best, Stu. Now, lets try it. puts the book aside and Stu pretends the spoon is a space shuttle Didi: Okay, Tommy! Open the podvane door! grimaces Didi: A little to the left, Stu! puts it to the left Didi: Stu, lets do the birthday checklist. '' '''Stu': Okay, sure. Didi: Um---carrot-print cake with health nuggets. '' '''Stu': Okay Didi: Pin the tail on the donkey. Stu: Safety version with suction cups, check. sees a pen in Stu's pocket Didi: The puppet show! Stu: Oh, yeah, puppeteers, stage props, and puppets arrive at eleven. Didi: Perfect! and Didi kiss is teething on Stu's pen Pop: A puppet show for a one year old?! Why, the little sprout's not even going to remember it! Didi: He'll remember this one, Pop, rated number one in Birthdays Magazine. Stu: Besides do we want to be remembered as the family who always settled for less? Didi: Look out, Stu, or you'll get strained carrots all over your shirt! Stu: (gasps) This isn't working. Wait, I got an idea! '' grabs a rubber ducky out of his pocket '''Didi': Oh, I don't know, Stu. All of my books recommend avoiding decoys. Stu: Trust me, Didi! You got to let him know who's boss. Look over here Tommy! shows Tommy the rubber ducky and makes it squeak, Tommy giggles looks at the TV which shows a dog on it Cowboy: screen, holding a can of Husky's Choice dog food Husky's Choice; they'll run farther and jump higher! So good, you'll almost wish you were a dog! looks at Spike, who is eating dog food Didi: Here's your chance, lunge! moves the space shuttle spoon with strained carrots on it towards Tommy giggles and smacks the spoon causing the strained carrots to fly onto Stu's shirt Stu: Oh no! My favorite shirt! Didi: Oh dear! Stu: I spent seventy-five dollars in this one! It's a George E. Larenti! Didi: I know, Honey. Stu: It's irreplaceable! gets out of his high chair Pop: Oh, for the love of Bessy, it's just a shirt! Stu: You think the stain will come out?! Didi: Oh, I'm sure it will if we add it with.... crawls towards Spike's food bowl reaches for the dog bowl, but Pop grabs him Pop: Just a minute there, Scout! You don't want any of that! Yuck! What you want is some of the--'' and Tommy look at the bowl of strained carrots '''Pop': I see your point! '' looks at Spike's food bowl doorbell rings '''Didi': I'll get it! leaves Stu, who looks at his shirt, and opens the door after she looks at herself in the mirror Didi: Hi Howard! Hi Betty! How are you? Howard: Well---'' '''Betty': Swell, Deed! We're totally excited for this birthday thing, aren't we Howard? Howard: Well, Betty---'' '''Betty': Oh, don't worry about Howard, Deed, he's a just a little fraz about all these kids. Howard: Actually---'' '''Betty': I mean,' the twins are enough of an armload, and today we've got little Chuckster. Hey, don't think we could just pen these pups?'' is on a ladder hanging things on the ceiling '''Pop: Puppet show for one-year-olds? Why, when I was a spud, we didn't have puppets! If we wanted entertainment, we went out back and pulled up stumps. And we walked fifteen miles to the st---'' '''Betty': Pop on the back causing him to cough Hey there, ol' chire, how are ya? Pop: I've felt better! hears Stu Betty: Is somebody excavating downstairs or what? Pop: That would be Stu working on his Hova-what's it down in the workshop. Betty: The Hova-what? Pop: Don't worry, you'll hear all about it! camera goes downstairs through the lock hole and shows Stu working on his invention Stu: Tommy's gonna love this! screen cuts back to Tommy, Phil, Lil, and Chuckie in the playpen and Lil are playing pattycake, Tommy is crawling around, and Chuckie is kicking Tommy's ball, then he falls down Betty: Frisky little critters, aren't they? camera shows Spike chewing a teddy bear Betty: Uh-oh, looks likes about to rip its leg off! Didi:'' Spike, Spike, down, boy!'' Betty, and Howard run outside babies watch them from inside Tommy: Chuckie, Phil, Lil, I've just got one word to say to you. Phil and Lil: What? Tommy: Dog food. Phil and Lil: Dog food? '' '''Tommy': Dog food, I tried to get some from Spike's bowl, but Grandpa stopped me. kicks the ball to Chuckie Chuckie: Why would you want to eat that stuff? kicks the ball Tommy: Well, Spike eats it and look at him! He can do anything he wants! He even gets to sleep in the flowers! Maybe if we eat that dog food, we'll turn into dogs! Pop: to Spike Shoo! Shoo! Get out of those flowers! Lil: You mean we could sleep in the flowers? jumps on Pop and licks him in the face Pop: Spike Down, down, get off of me, you big galoot! Phil: And lick people? Lil: And wear a color with our names on it? Chuckie: I don't know, maybe it's not such a good idea! Dogs don't have it so good, they always got fleas and junk! Phil and Lil: Fleas?! Let's do it! babies walk to the end of the playpen but are stopped by Betty and Didi Didi: Oh, I almost forgot to put on their little party hats! hats are put on the babies Betty: Those will stay on for, oh, three minutes tops. takes two pictures of the babies who rub their eyes Betty: Hey isn't it time to bust the pinata? Didi: Let's wait 'til all the kids get here! Betty: Who are we missing? Didi: Tommy's cousin, Angelica. Betty: Oh, right, Angelica! Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil: Angelica! Angelica: a car seat in the back of Drew's car When we get to the party, Daddy, can I play with little Tommy? Drew: Sure, sweetie! Aunt Didi's baking a birthday cake, and there's going to be a puppet show! Uncle Stu says it's the best one in the whole world! reaches for Tommy's present, but Drew puts the brakes on Drew: Well, here we are! is rapping up the Hoverama in the basement and humming Stu's Invention: Doorbell! Doorbell! Doorbell! Doorbell! presses some buttons and a TV comes out with a hidden camera on it Stu: reclining Great, Drew's here! camera comes out in Drew's face Stu: Hey, big bro! Hi, Angelica! Drew: Where are you, Stu? Stu: I'm down in the workshop, finishing Tommy's birthday present. Wait just a second, I'll be right up! turns off the camera and opens the door kisses Angelica, Angelica giggles Drew: So, what are you working on this time? Stu: I'm glad you asked me that question, Drew! One word, Hov-A-Rama. Drew: Hov-A-What? '' '''Stu': It's a toy I've invented for Tommy. It's, I'm not kidding, its got three reverse thranthrusters all modelled vertically and then three on the back to turn the thing. heads for the babies who all group up and cower Stu: Come downstairs and I'll show you, I'm just now wrapping it up. enters the livingroom with a camera and party hat, she puts the party hat on Angelica snaps two pictures of Angelica and the babies and walks back into the kitchen Tommy: Um, um, hi, Angelica. So do you know anything about dog food? lets go of Chuckie and Tommy Angelica: Listen, dummy, this may be your birthday, but when you open the presents, I get first dibs on the toys! What about dog food? Chuckie: Tommy thinks if he eats some, maybe he'll turn into a dog. Angelica: You mean I could wear a color with spikes on it? Phil: And chase cats! Lil: And howl at the moon! Angelica: Could I even bite the mailman? and Lil shake their heads up and down Angelica: Let's do it! Tommy: Yeah! Let's get some dog food! draws a map of their plan goes towards the cake Betty: That is one hefty hunk of health food! Didi: Puppets, puppets, puppets! Where are those puppets! Betty: Stay cool, Deed! Didi: about why she needs the puppets ---''and the puppets depend on the puppeteers, and the puppeteers were supposed to be here thirteen, no, fourteen minutes ago!'' doorbell rings Betty: Maybe that's them now! heads for the door Didi: Oh! opens the door and Boris and Minka are there kisses Didi Didi: Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! Minka: Hebrew is heading for the dog food but Minka picks him up Minka: There he is! Sweet little baby! ''speaks Hebrew to Tommy and Boris kiss Tommy '''Stu': Hi, Boris! Hi, Minka! Great, everyone's here, let's open the Hov---let's open the present. of the adults begin talking Didi: Let's see, this one's from Drew. '' toy firetruck is inside '''Stu': Gee, Drew, do you think this will stimulate the kid's imagination, I mean what does it do? Where are the batteries? and Lil heads towards Tommy's present heads toward Tommy's present and grabs it and Lil gasp Stu: Hey, Tommy! Here's a present from your ol' dad! Watch this, Drew. unwraps the Hov-A-Rama Boris: What is that thing? Stu: This is the Hov-A-Rama! Pop: Stu, are you off your nuts?! Tommy's not old enough for that gizmo! He-heck, I'm not even old enough for it! Stu: Anyone can work this thing, Pop! Here, let me show you. presses a button on the control device, but it doesn't turn the Hov-A-Rama on Stu: Oh, ''chuckles ''I guess I forgot the batteries. Now where did I put those little... Boris: Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay... ''Hebrew '''Didi': Oh, Stu! I'm sure if you get it running, the Hov-A-What's it will be Tommy's favorite toy! Say, how about we open Howard's present. Tommy: Ooh! Howard: It's a two-way cellular babie talkie. You put in his bedroom and take this thing around with you so you can make sure you know if the baby cries or something. Stu: I've heard about those things. Howard: Only this one implies the latest technology. You can even talk back to the baby hands free. Drew: Wow! Can I see it? Squadron leader, this is Concrete Cowboy! Copy, over! Pop: This transcript is up to 11 minutes and 55 seconds.